What better time to discuss the hard truths of Bedroom matters than in the beginning of the year when most of earth’s population is operating the new year, new me resolution hogwash?

Before we delve deeper into my audacious topic for today, I’d have you all know that this post will be absolutely sacrilegious so if you care so much for tender ears, Please move over to my REVIEWS.

Today’s post is largely dedicated to the Brothers in order to avoid all of the energy We (ladies) spend in our bedrooms laughing at the horrible Bedroom drills we have to endure. So, see me as Mamazeus the Snitch or preferably Mamazeus the good Samaritan but in all, never reveal my real name!

The matter of Bedroom correctness is quite delicate and almost hypocritically ignored.

FACT: When Your girl’s friends are overly comfortable with you after your first sexcapade, they definitely know your Carrot size, Color and performance level

#Truth 1
Baby/ Alien/ Animal Squeals

Following popular demand, I will have Brothers know that no woman, I repeat NO WOMAN likes to have sex with an Avatar, Lion, Cat or worse, a 3 months old baby. You see all that funky noise is an absolute abomination. We need an Alpha Male (the kind that GRUNTS as opposed to squealing or wailing).

Bedroom
No no no… We don’t need this!

If she refuses to repeat the Bedroom service, be rest assured that you left her confused as to the identity of the human she was humping or vice versa. If she persists, she probably loves you too much to admit it but never for a second think that she isn’t telling US, she is!

FACT: Follow Your Heart & not the sound she makes. If your mind says she is faking it, You are 70 percent RIGHT!

#Truth 2
The Porn Addict

Bedroom
This one right here is a bit dicey as it depends on choice. However, majority of the women who have shared their experience with me have a problem with a guy who has his head stuck up in XXXmovie stars. Understanding your girl’s body is very essential. Study it like you would your chemistry text book ( memorize it).

Say this one time, I stumbled upon this story of a married couple. The wife reached out to these ‘self acclaimed’ relationship gurus to complain about her man’s need to want to try some insane Bedroom styles with her. She claimed to always end up feeling drained and bruised. Who is to blame?

FACT: Money is Great but Bedroom Proficiency is Key to a Woman’s Heart. Don’t Be Deceived!

#Truth3
Straight to Business Romance Devoid Culprit

Bedroom

Let me share this quote by J.F. Kelly from his Erotica novel ‘A Woman’s Pleasure’ –

“Lovemaking takes time!

It is a myth for lovemaking to be quick and smooth. To find pleasure in each other, both men and women need to take time to explore each other with their hands; their lips and they need to be open to each other in a mutual, consensual, and non-judgmental style.

I think this quote summarizes the entirety of this #Truth. Even our grandmothers hated it and I am certain that this generation will despise it. There is much more to sex than the actual act (so I have been told). If it has to happen, Brothers in this category need to learn to realize that gratification is in making your partner satisfied.

#Truth4
Too Much Romance Zero Action

Bedroom
Take it from me, guys in this category are dangerous. Any woman that sticks around is either possessed or is tired of man hunting. The RZA (Romance Zero Action) guy does not want his girl to realize his inadequacy so he hides behind foreplay that is most of the time a mockery of the word. He is the kind of guy that likes to sniff panties, mess up weaves and ruin her PH level with too much spittle.
The RZA guy is a Dry Humping- Astrology loving-Necromancy Expert. It is bad enough that we hear that spirits mingle during sex. If you decide on a romp in the sack with the RZA guy, You will require Mountain of Fire Deliverance to cure you of the legion of demons released into your Temple.

#Truth5
Noodles are the Sickest!

Bedroom
Let’s just have dinner!

By now you already know that I love to save the best for last. Women absolutely abhor men in this category.  Women might tolerate life’s numerous frustrations but an under-performing man is not one of our great points.

FACT: If she is constantly picking fights especially when unnecessary, She is not angry about the situation, she is pissed about your Bedroom Situation.

One sentence ladies often despise hearing especially after they have been left sexually unsatisfied is “Baby it is your fault, you are too Sweet”!


Brothers, follow your instincts, if you have messed up, just go to sleep and think of how to make things right in the morning. If she starts to avoid your calls after the first date, check one of the above mentioned reasons, you should fit into one category and if you are a serial offender, you would fit into more…

I drop my Cap RIGHT HERE!

Last Note…

Everybody is having sex (Bad, good, holy , unholy etc) but nobody is talking freely about it, I think we (women) really need to become more vocal about our preferences and not have to be stigmatized into accepting whatever is tossed our way or have to settle with girl talk sessions. It is your body, decide how you would like it touched.

SEX REMAINS FOR MARRIED PEOPLE OOOOOOOH !

This post does not support premarital sex and that is final!

Bedroom

Mamazeus

Mamazeus

Mamazeus is a budding writer and blogger from Nigeria. Oftentimes described as a "comic storyteller", Mamazeus' articles guarantee a smile from the reader with the glummest disposition!
Movie review blogging is just one of the writer's many interests.

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9 comments

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  • As a parody Rocco Siffredi I have to say that this post is like a light that has revealed many secrets . Lemme just chop this in , THE OKAFORS LAW , the law that states that if a brother performs well in za other room with a sister on the first meeting , there is every tendency she will be back for more any time in the future , even when she is married . Am not in support of the fore play zero Action but KINGS 👑. FOREPLAY GOES A LONG WAY TO COMPLIMENT YA THRUSTING …. peace 😁😁😁😁😁

  • Really insightful, Truth 4 brought back a case to mind. I think there’s a long list of reasons behind RZA, met a couple that had that issue, after probing for a long period, I discovered that there major issue is Self-serving (Masturbation) , So Romance was used as a mask for the real issue.

  • Hmmmmmmmmm, well to a large extent your on point about all you wrote, but part of the ish isn’t that some guys are inadequate in the bedroom or too much and all that, is that girls of these days expect too much, but that being said, like you said, sex isn’t just a action or reaction to an itch, it’s a dance, a work of art, a journey and the man who understands that, is 2 steps from the finish line….. lovely write-up Precious Nwogu, was a nice read

    • Girls of these days? I’d have you know that libidos have not been altercated over the years. Everybody has a body language and just because our mothers were shamed into not talking freely about it did not mean that they didn’t like Sex. Our generation is just more vocal so men have to wake up and do what’s right 😁😁😁🙄🙄🙄

  • All well said. I agree with the notion that a lot of guys have watched too much porn; but they fail to realize the most important part… IT IS A FREAKING MOVIE!
    They live in the existential reality of a fallacy and try to replicate same in the bedroom.
    I have heard someone say that making love and having sex is two completely different things and I agree. Many people fail to see the difference so their partners are left unsatisfied. And I belong to the school of thought that believes that each woman’s body is unique hence the pertinent need to study your partner and know what tips them off the edge.

    P.S: I am still a virgin!

About Mamazeus

Mamazeus

Mamazeus

Mamazeus is a budding writer and blogger from Nigeria. Oftentimes described as a "comic storyteller", Mamazeus' articles guarantee a smile from the reader with the glummest disposition!
Movie review blogging is just one of the writer's many interests.