You are here
Home > Editor's Pick > NIGERIAN WITCHES NEED TO UPGRADE ASAP!

NIGERIAN WITCHES NEED TO UPGRADE ASAP!

Cats, rats, cockroaches, owls and even dolls! If you grew up in a typical average religious Nigerian family, then you might understand my point more clearly than those who did not.

I recently returned to my alma mater to finally collect the piece of paper that I worked so hard for but require less of as the day goes by, only to be asked to walk out of the faculty admin’s office. Why? According to the old woman, I had a tiny teddy hanging from my hand bag and I was there to hypnotize her. As ridiculous as that sounds, I spent over twenty minutes pleading and nearly crying to convince all who cared to listen that it was a harmless teddy.

Fast forward to a few hours ago and I had just spotted an owl looking miserably helpless. I was both shocked and surprised as the last time I saw an owl was on the cover of a memoir of witches and wizards authored by some woman who in my opinion had a masters degree in crap talk.

My mom kept that book within eyesight for over 15 years. I remember at one point after she recently received Christ as her personal Lord and savior for the 20th time if I must add, and had begun to attend another fiery storm fellowship, all my dolls paid the dire prize of being burned disgracefully. One particular doll hurt me terribly as I hid my N10 note in it for weeks only to be rudely informed that my dolls were possessed by evil spirits from my father’s people and had to be burned immediately.

Permit me to recount another tale that haunted my childhood for years. My mom (again) brought this beautiful young lady called Mary to live with us. Aunty Mary as we fondly called her was so sweet and always gave my sister and I Golden Morn from her bag. One morning, mommy woke the entire house with serious Kabashing (heavy praying in tongues usually involving shaking of the body vigorously). Aunty Mary who looked a mixture of confused and guilty was on her knees crying. Mom announced in between prayers that Mary was a witch and she had caught her attempting to fly out for her meetings.

Please ask me how? Aunty Mary cooked Okro soup without oil and slept with one leg on the wall. OKRO takes the fall again! Aunty Mary left our house after that incident and I spent months convincing mom that we never collected anything to eat from her.

Sorry for the flashback, I called out to the only person near earshot and I guess that was my mistake. A few minutes later, a burnt carcass lay carelessly close to the same spot I found it.

I mean I understand why spirit beings need to transform into animals but must the aforementioned animals and plant have to take the brunt of hostility from Nigerian parents? Worst hit are cats and owls. Gimme a break man!

To Nigerian witches, from a very concerned citizen who values you people’s anonymity, please and please, start possessing other kinds of animals before cats and owls goes instinct in this country.

Leave a Reply

Top